I hate being mean. honestly, i do. it takes so much to get me to the point where night and day all i can think about are plots to get even with you, to mae yyour life hell, to ruin you, to corrupt the delicate fabric of your day to day routine....its takes alot to get me there.

this afternoon, i discovered i am back to Evilandia, my 'dark place' . someone drove me there. now just as much as i care for you and love you and dote on you, i can flip it around and be just the opposite towards you. i hate being like that, but i am compelled by my anger, rustration and hurt to be that way. once i am there, there is no turning back, no redemption, no apologies that can mend my broken ego, heart and spirit. i  am a pretty freaking perky person..imagine me being angry? it doesnt happen. i can gte stressed out,  i can even me frustrated and upset, i can cry, i can be sad..anything but anger. so now that im in my dark place, the only way out is too ease my soul by torturing yours. its your fault.

Alright, so by now you probably know that Mickey has stopped talking to me. That is such a blessing.

You also should know how much I treasure and value my friendships with my girlfriends. I'd do anything for them-anything.

I don't like being lied to- I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way. When a so-called "friend" lies to me, I have no mercy, I am ruthless and vindictive.

This bitch done tried to fuck me up the butt and play me like fool-AGAIN! When the fuck will she learn that I am a woman of a certain age. Silly little high school games and ploys are no longer taken lightly. I will crush you and your fucking ego with one of my perfectly polished stilletos. When the fuck will she learn I am not to be fucked with?

This bitch-yes, she's a bitch now- lied to me and all my ladies of MSM. As we all gathered together to provide strength, wisdom, and encouragement, she laughs at our generosity. We offer advice, we offer options, we offer everything we could think of in her time of "need". This bitch aint in no "need". What she need is to get slapped a few times, that's what the fuck she needs.

How dare she misuse my heart? How dare she open up wounds that have healed and scarred nicely? Who the fuck does she think she is? To do this to me? To us? My ladies, my friends, my home skillet biscuits?! Bitches out there DIE for friends like the ones I have. Chicks out there get hurt, cut, stabbed, for trying to fuck with someones home gurl.

There is nothing worse than treason. Loyalty is more important to me than my ovaries, fallopian tubes and my breasts combined. How dare she make the Sistahood (one SHE created) question her? What the fuck kind of friend is that? How can you lie to my face, look me in the eye and lie to my face like I won't find out you're lying to me? Like I won't find out you're full of shit. And get this....she gets mad at me, ME, when I question her. What the flying fuck!? Bitch you lie to me, I question you and you get mad at me? I'm the QUEEN of DRAMA. I can cry on command, don't try to play me, I know how to pull heartstrings! I would NEVER do that to MY friends. Friends that have been there for me in the weridest and worst of my times, like we do for you.

There's always something going on with you, I swear! You have more drama in one day than I do in my life so far. And everything is a pity party for you. Poor Mickey this! And poor Mickey that! Grow the fuck up and figure your own shit out yourself. You may have your beefs, but you forget that we ALL do. Its not all about you. You managed to take a Rite of Passage and turn it into the most insensitive, unfeeling, coldhearted thing ever. You ought to be ashamed! You used me! You used us! And for what?! You still aint got no man. You still living wit a momma that don't want you. You still look at yourself and hate what you see. You're still a shallow, self centered, egotistical and now pathological lying, drama filled, unintelligent, no common sense having CUNT. Yes, a CUNT. And now, you have one less loyal friend on top of that.

This is the last time I will waste my energy and decent grammar writing about you. I'm through with your attention deprived antics, I'm through with your crocodile tears and most of all, I'm through caring about you. You don't deserve my friendship- you proved it today. I wash my hands of you. Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

I love my friends. I really do....especially when they are honest with me. I mean, really honest.

See, here's the thing: I like sex. I love everything about it. I love up, down, sideways, anyway you can think of. But its not the actual act I love. Its the intimacy of it all, the part when you no longer are just one entity. As much as I enjoy it, I am cautious with whom I choose as I partner. I am fully aware that sex does not equal love. I know a man won't magically try and marry me if he is so infatuated with me because of sex. I know this very well....

I am far from promiscuous, but that is the picture that I paint. I know this. I didn't care...I rolled with it. I have no problem expressing myself vocally about my trysts, or explaining the many techniques and strategies of fellatio. I have helped many a friend and foe with their love lives and quite frankly, I'm proud of that.
Many people however still shy away from the reality the sexual encounters occur. Being raised in a Latin and Catholic family by a mother who was deflowered on her wedding night, the topic of sex in itself is taboo and shunned. Apparently, sexual though the Latin culture is, and even though women and young girls are taught to be objects of desire, pleasure conjuring devices that cater to and succumb to their husbands fantasies, needs and perverse thoughts they, as women must only exhibit their own pleasures and desires behind closed doors and in the dark. Clearly, I am not that way.

Sultry told me about my lack of sexual inhibitons. She applauded my individuality, my no-holds bar approach, but warned that I may be just a tad too open... She's only known me a few months, yet she was able to see right away that maybe I should tone it down a bit. I put her comments under my "Constructive Criticism" file somewhere in a corner of my mind.

Trini mentioned I need to write down what it is I want from my ideal man and take real time to actually think about it. This came shortly after I expressed my confusion over the outcome of a Tryst that I thought was going very well....for you see, I quickly became attached to the other half of this Tryst and wondered why the calls ended when our deal hadn't been broken-at least, not on my part.

When I sat down wondering why Tryst was no longer calling, why I attract so much attention from unsavory guys, I realized it was one thing: my sex.

Frankly, I don't know what Tyst's deal was, but I never heard from him again. I really liked him. I really did. I totally fell for him-unlike me at all. Well, actually, it is quite like me to fall for a guy. I must be honest: I'm a hopeless romantic.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I did not expect to like him as I did. In my mind I thought we were just messing around, no commitments, no problems. Somewhere between debating political candidates and sweet kisses, started fall for this guy. Before I knew it, my pulse started to quicken at the thought of him. I started to lose my breath when he touched me....but I did a good job keeping it from him. I knew nothing would come of our Tryst, so I had no choice but to swallow my pride and keep my feelings hidden.

One question begged to be answered: if I knew nothing were to come of this Tryst, why was I a part of it?

And so, I decided I would take a break from guys...well, kinda. I'm taking a much needed break from any and all sexual activity. Yes, Julia is pledging chastity. Hard to believe huh? I need to though. My heart can't heal its wounds if I'm allowing myself to lget into drama and confusion over something that can be avoided

Its more than that too. I want to discipline myself. I know that I can, and I know that I really need to follow through with this plan.

I want to get to know myself more, I want to tone down the sexual side and show more of my substance: my integrity, my mind, my personality. The irony is: I worked so hard to become a sex kitten only now its like my curse. Lol. Who would've thought back in the day when I yearned for attention, when I felt like an ugly duckling, when I stumbled over myself and giggled at the thought of saying words like "penis", "breasts", and "vagina" that I would want nothing more than to run from this attention. Nothing more than to hide and be looked at for everything but my body and the things it could do or get done to.

See? That's why I love my friends. Only real friends will stop you waaaay before you become a ho and help you find what you are really looking for. So, I am happy to say, its been a while now since I looked for the wrong thing in the wrong place, and I feel great. Thanks girls for your honesty and the gentile manner in which you addressed me